i haven't had any coffee for the past week and now i'm barreling through my third cup and i feel like i'm going through the videodrome (is it a noun? do you experience the videodrome? or just watch it? fuck it it's a metaphor) and and so when i am drawing i kind of have that cool chwast kind of line style. they're playing in rainbows here in the coffee time and while that's cool, it's basically pretty depressing but also sounds really good? i keep rubbing my face and sighing and i don't know what i am going to be doing with the rest of my day, maybe get more coffee, write a resume, pay on my student loan, do something productive? i feel like i just took a hit of crack. FUCK man why are they playing this album it's like an infinite winter inside my head and all i can think of staring at the snowfall and not having anything to do and it's getting dark and cold and it's for forever. the first time i listened to this album i was waiting to go to work at the library and it was 7 in the morning and downtown was deserted and it was snowing like crazy, all the stores were closed, it was sunday, and i just stood by the library staff doors for two hours, staring at the snow falling in the cold gray in a gray sky, just getting colder and colder and smoking cigarettes and being all wired on coffee, which starts to feel a lot like stress if you drink too much freezing. then i realized that i didn't have to work that day after two hours thinking what the fuck why isn't anybody here.
sometimes i don't want to draw anymore because i see all these other people drawing so much better than me and it's like well goddamn i guess i'll leave it all up to the professionals then, but i keep drawing anyhow, like on accident, so i guess i'll just keep doing it hopefully i'll get better, always worrying about that kind of stuff, how can people just shrug off shit all day and keep smiling you know? i'm getting older and straight up coming apart the seams it feels like. oh ah well i know i got it better than most folks right? and i got friends too, they just ain't here with me right now, thousands of miles away, but still there. they'll pick up the phone if i call and that's pretty cool, to have a crew like that, honest people. still though where's my boo you know? sleepin' on some junky futon trying to keep it all together and i used to drink every night but i didn't pay no mind, i had my gal and folks around all the time, but now i drink every night alone and that's pretty miserable sitting there at the computer with your discount wine staring at all those fancy artists on the internet when you know you should be looking for a job, just freaking out i guess, worrying about making a name of yourself and just trying to live up the expectations that you had of yourself when you were ten, wondering where all that the zeal for life went. i don't even speak no second language. what gives.
see man look at this i was starting out fine on this speech but they're jammin' radiohead and it don't do no good for folks, listening to this kind of stuff when you're already tryin' to keep from being hard on yourself, i thought i was doing good today too, downloading microsoft word, getting letters ready for businesses, replying to stuff, checking up on stuff, gettin' up at 2 and showering. baby steps, man, baby steps. at least i moved out somewhere right? being all basically independent, callin' my ma on sundays, washing myself and doing laundry.