Wednesday, June 25, 2008

shadows in the afternoon

living here in portland, hearing the brakes of the bus on schedule, sitting in the sunlight, watching a pair of rusted tin cans sway in the breeze on a powerline, tied up in string, trying to make an understanding of what it is that i am doing here. small events that occasionally pull me into what i think is an insight about different places, portland being so foreign- not in the sense of a culture shock, but in the sense that everything is so familiar, the same people and stores you find in wyoming, but all the tiny things that don't quite match up, somehow the feeling is different. so disorienting, trying to explain it but it's inexplicable, what's happening. certain situations just push my head into the wrong place, makes me feel sick sometimes, drinking a cup of coffee and still my hands are shaking after six hours, trying to acclimate myself. i think that maybe these small situations, circumstances, these things create a narrative that i am experiencing but will never digest, thinking that there's answers in the sky and water that i might be able to discern but can't because it's too close to me, physically- but then i think of those people who believe bananas prove god, and maybe there's nothing for me to interpret here, just the narrative already running in my head and possibly manifesting itself in foreign incidents. it's not a negative feeling, just a feeling that even though i live here that maybe i will never be here, just a different personality residing inside me, that i can never merge the two, wyoming, colorado, oregon, all different states in both senses. one or one or the other, choosing.

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